@giromide @doogiehowser_md Fuck you guys.
— paul_e_wog #18243164266 on July 10, 2010
"Cut it out with the fucking misters! It's 85 degrees!" -- me to every bar in Tucson ever
— paul_e_wog #15981706293 on June 12, 2010
I think using "screwing", "banging" or "fucking" to describe love making is so impersonal. That's why I say "penising."
— paul_e_wog #12259203388 on April 15, 2010
Are you made of pure Axe™? Holy shit!
— paul_e_wog #11924983128 on April 10, 2010
Oh, fuck you, Tumblr.
— paul_e_wog #11738486342 on April 6, 2010
Probably the best part about April Fools Day is I can ask out any girl I want and if they turn me down I'm all "Bitch please, April Fools!"
— paul_e_wog #11422800793 on April 1, 2010
"Motherfucker, I have six toes!" - the rare and graceful Three Toed Sloth
— paul_e_wog #10442109474 on March 13, 2010
Holy shit...
— paul_e_wog #9795138232 on February 28, 2010
It's easy to gage how far you've walked in San Fransico; 1 mile = a good sweat, 2 miles = holy shit, is this Mt. Everest?
— paul_e_wog #8125260664 on January 23, 2010
Who do you think I am, Charles fucking Darwin? It doesn't matter which one came first as long as one of them is made into spicy hot-wings.
— paul_e_wog #6680690360 on December 14, 2009
Who do you think I am, Charles fucking Darwin? I doesn't matter which one came first as long as one of them is made into spicy hot-wings.
— paul_e_wog #6680638037 on December 14, 2009
Really? You've "believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast"? Cute! But what about possible things like me not giving a shit?
— paul_e_wog #6354470507 on December 4, 2009
Today is Miley Cyrus' 17th birthday. But you guys didn't know that did you? Because she left Twitter. Which is FUCKING awesome.
— paul_e_wog #5990546104 on November 23, 2009
No, but seriously, fuck Tom Brady and the 3 Superbowls he won on Vinatieri's boot.
— paul_e_wog #5752657815 on November 15, 2009
For Halloween I'm going as H1N1! Wait...sorry. I meant that for Halloween I'm going to have H1N1. PS: holy shit this blows!
— paul_e_wog #5294777299 on October 30, 2009
Braylon Edwards is a New York Jet? Perfect! The New York teams were really lacking a wide-receiver that did stupid shit at night clubs!
— paul_e_wog #4684472949 on October 7, 2009
I love the start of hockey season. It always reminds me of Fall, Winter, Spring & holy shit they just stopped playing like a month ago!
— paul_e_wog #4526744602 on October 1, 2009
I've taken to calling old guys with with sweet, white beards "Mithrandir". But only if they can do wizard stuff and shit.
— paul_e_wog #3835374389 on September 8, 2009
Yes, tout your Newsletter via my office phone! But next week, when I'm wearing my new matching 'Give a shit' hat and shades.
— paul_e_wog #3740589502 on September 3, 2009
Gandalf is full of shit. I don't think he fought that Balrog. It died in the fall. He just reincarnated and told us he smote it or whatever.
— paul_e_wog #3399453186 on August 19, 2009
They made a Jurassic Park in San Diego?! Holy shit, 6 hours away and I've never been. Oh. That was just in the stupid movie? Drag.
— paul_e_wog #3346279873 on August 16, 2009
'This band-aid won't peel! Maybe I should use a knife to cut the bastard off my thumb?', Paul thought before making the worst decision ever.
— paul_e_wog #3314305562 on August 14, 2009
Paul dines out: "Ha! Stupid salad, all sad and lonely on its own stupid plate." Paul dines in: "Get your own fucking plate, salad!"
— paul_e_wog #3276683988 on August 12, 2009
gPaul dines out: "Ha! Stupid salad, all sad and lonely on its own stupid plate." Paul dines in: "Get your own fucking plate, salad!"
— paul_e_wog #3276675441 on August 12, 2009
Paul dines out: "Ha! Stupid salad, all sad and lonely on its own stupid plate." Paul dines in: "Get you're own fucking plate, salad!"
— paul_e_wog #3276670374 on August 12, 2009
I bitch about the heat in Arizona a lot, but the one great thing is that it's always warm enough to justify a cold beer. Yes, even at 8AM.
— paul_e_wog #3226329523 on August 10, 2009
I'm sorry this rain is ruining your evening, ma'am. If you wait in the fuck off area, I'll go ahead and stop the weather for you. Thanks!
— paul_e_wog #3159520177 on August 5, 2009
Holy shit you guys! ESPN is telling their employees to do their jobs!
— paul_e_wog #3139610130 on August 4, 2009
I spent 30 minutes reading everything there is to know about Fraggle Rock and I still have no fucking clue what the Doozers were building.
— paul_e_wog #3117040581 on August 3, 2009
@danaynay Come now! Your friends don't have to be good looking to do stupid shit. :)
— paul_e_wog #3113181165 on August 3, 2009
What I wouldn't give for a tall glass of "not fucking working the graveyard shift for a sick employee".
— paul_e_wog #3084984835 on August 2, 2009
Okay, shitty day, I'm going to bed and when I wake, you had better be a Friday that brings *good* tweets to my brain-piece!
— paul_e_wog #2946115135 on July 31, 2009
@Gstenseth who the fuck is he?
— paul_e_wog #2866180813 on July 27, 2009
If I were Judas I would have gotten more than 30 pieces of silver before betraying the son of God. Unless I thought Jesus was full of shit.
— paul_e_wog #2761589999 on July 21, 2009
@CarmenL_Sigman Its not really priceless at all. In fact, its pretty fucking cowardly.
— paul_e_wog #2653457169 on July 15, 2009
Because of Sean Astin's presence I get confused between Goonies and Lord of the Rings. Which has the squid that dances to a fucking Walkman?
— paul_e_wog #2500143701 on July 6, 2009
@ErikHags: FUcking sweet!
— paul_e_wog #2489719249 on July 5, 2009
Oh yeah! The ex gets off work at 1AM tonight and wants to hang. You know what that means! (I'll be vomitting at a shitty bar in Scottsdale)
— paul_e_wog #2458781672 on July 3, 2009
Valid reasons for not shaving: 1) You're Amish 2) No shave November 3) HOLY SHIT! Look at the size of this spider on the bathroom sink.
— paul_e_wog #2452975847 on July 3, 2009
@CarmenL_Sigman He misreads everything I tweet. Does he have asbergers? If he dislikes my unfollow remind him that its just fucking twitter.
— paul_e_wog #2442782772 on July 2, 2009
@smashedpotatoes is that how it's done in the city? Fuck, I need to move.
— paul_e_wog #2407592033 on June 30, 2009
I love that Ozzie Guillen "doesn't care" about my Cubbies. In fact, he cares so little that it's ALL HE FUCKING TALKS ABOUT...
— paul_e_wog #2405933547 on June 30, 2009
I can't wait to bail on this awful Tucson heat for that nice, refreshing Phoenix heat. Fuck.
— paul_e_wog #2345149904 on June 26, 2009
Shit! Of course I posted that insulting link tweet right after the stars began working. Umm. I love you idiots. That do anything for ya?
— paul_e_wog #2316981419 on June 24, 2009
If anyone out there doesn't understand @JephKelly's last tweet, then your day isn't as shitty as mine. Also, remind me to unfollow you.
— paul_e_wog #2312359085 on June 24, 2009
A girl at the sushi joint last night called *me* out for doing my sake bombs incorrectly. Sorry! Didn't realize shirts were required. Bitch.
— paul_e_wog #2255285083 on June 20, 2009
Who has two thumbs and got so drunk last night he cut off one of his thumbs with a steak knife? This gu---oh. Oh shit.
— paul_e_wog #2254482876 on June 20, 2009
I missed so many great tweets today, I feel like I walked into a theater during the middle of a movie. Except I can rewind this shit.
— paul_e_wog #2213734196 on June 17, 2009
I found out thru a friend that my ex moved to Phoenix. She works at the very same Hooters locale I applied to be a server at. What a bitch.
— paul_e_wog #2172921717 on June 14, 2009
