Yes, I meant it when I said "Why are we having this conversation?" Well, I really meant "Go fuck yourself with a florescent light bulb"
— cubicle2 #2758094118 on July 21, 2009
It's 8:45am and you decide that now's the time to give me shit about my team? Office Memo: I'm a spiteful motherfucker w/ a long memory.
— cubicle2 #2758041835 on July 21, 2009
I was trying to think up a joke for Ireland's recent blasphemy law, but the mental image of Jesus fucking a sheep wouldn't let me.
— cubicle2 #2744568712 on July 20, 2009
How in the fuck is anything that keeps me from getting to those last tasty bits in the Cracker Jack box considered a "prize" ?
— cubicle2 #2731169299 on July 19, 2009
What do I think? I think if you and the lady are going to run this as a committee meeting, you need to get the fuck out of the drive-thru.
— cubicle2 #2699019396 on July 17, 2009
Generational differences: my parents argue about where the cockatoo-shaped car freshener came from. I wonder why the fuck it exists.
— cubicle2 #2689060883 on July 17, 2009
Student journalist calls at 9am for a story due at 12. I'm glad we're training shitty reporters to work in a soon to be extinct field.
— cubicle2 #2651981866 on July 15, 2009
Can somebody tell me what a "bihanic arm" is? Never mind, wanting a Tim McCarver interpreter implies that I give a fuck what he says.
— cubicle2 #2642429903 on July 14, 2009
Btw: quasi-erotic = I had no fucking clue what was happening, but when I awoke my dick could have stirred oatmeal.
— cubicle2 #2642129662 on July 14, 2009
These fucking typos are no friend of the heroin joke.
— cubicle2 #2637973738 on July 14, 2009
Will somebody please tell me why they send you the tracking information when the package HASN'T LEFT THE FUCKING WAREHOUSE?
— cubicle2 #2634120307 on July 14, 2009
Nobody power slides a family sedan into a drive-thru lane like this motherfucker. That Ronald McDonald statue was a casualty of awesome.
— cubicle2 #2618738595 on July 13, 2009
If I ruled the world, war would be replaced by spirited rounds of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Followed by drinking 'til we're totally fucked up.
— cubicle2 #2576167430 on July 10, 2009
If I ruled the world, the world anthem would be a haunting, choral refrain of "Fuck you. Get off of my lawn."
— cubicle2 #2575960311 on July 10, 2009
@ladymisskate Ummm, well I would but .... Fuck yes I do.
— cubicle2 #2569670276 on July 10, 2009
It appears the fly in the room shares my affinity for Phil Collins/Philip Bailey's "Easy Lover." Does this shitty taste make us look gay?
— cubicle2 #2526437478 on July 7, 2009
Everytime I overhear a co-worker on the phone with one of their children, I wonder why the fuck people have those things.
— cubicle2 #2501201544 on July 6, 2009
Anyone know a tactful way to tell someone they're completely full of shit and need to die in a fire? This is *not* my area of expertise.
— cubicle2 #2499058155 on July 6, 2009
You guys may think I'm joking . But srsly, that fucker must work out. I had no idea I'd need to use my official He-Man Power Sword on him.
— cubicle2 #2486424810 on July 5, 2009
In a factory long ago an over-enthusiastic bastard super-glued the seal on this beef jerky - destined for my belly. And I shall find him.
— cubicle2 #2483257490 on July 5, 2009
I hope you all realize that I am poor, and thus don't fuck over the poor. Unless it's for that last swallow of Scnapps found in the ditch.
— cubicle2 #2478474982 on July 4, 2009
While fully invested in dropping a deuce, I was very much assaulted by a spider. It is now dead. That is NOT the time to fuck with a man.
— cubicle2 #2463774178 on July 3, 2009
Who the fuck is Richard Grieco and why is he on my youtubes massacring Billy Idol songs?
— cubicle2 #2462314404 on July 3, 2009
Nobody should FF me this week, seeing as all I can pay you off with are these California IOUs. (Shitty joke, but topical at least.)
— cubicle2 #2454510634 on July 3, 2009
Trying to remember a time when I gave a fuck that there were "unused icons on my desktop." Nope, never happened.
— cubicle2 #2448324514 on July 2, 2009
@paul_e_wog Vladimir and Estragon would sympathize ... if they were real. Fucking Godot anyway.
— cubicle2 #2447321648 on July 2, 2009
@donchiefnerd If they give me an inch, I'll take a mile. And still give them a shitty Yelp review.
— cubicle2 #2424047211 on July 1, 2009
To honor the last day of two of my colleagues, I've decided to do jack shit this afternoon. As if this is any different from usual.
— cubicle2 #2407751348 on June 30, 2009
By putting "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" in me head, I feel co-workers have avenged every shitty thing I've done to them. Ever.
— cubicle2 #2394136616 on June 29, 2009
Dear person who makes me change my password: if I wasn't currently busy entering the wrong password repeatedly, I'd tell you to get fucked.
— cubicle2 #2389690657 on June 29, 2009
I had this great joke about grammar and BEWAREOFDOG signs and cheese and now oh fuck it Billy Mays died. #fuckingdeadcelebsruiningtwitter
— cubicle2 #2373170662 on June 28, 2009
A co-worker is - quite vocally - trying to learn Outlook 2007. I've never *seen* a gopher fuck a football, but I understand the concept.
— cubicle2 #2344864791 on June 26, 2009
So. You're telling me the NBA still exists? And there's a draft tonight? Fuck. Nope, still can't make myself care. Go Sonics! What?
— cubicle2 #2336840709 on June 25, 2009
Yeah, I'm bummed. Might as well move on though. Shitty jokes and gratuitous boob references don't write themselves. (tear)
— cubicle2 #2336440620 on June 25, 2009
Big ups to @MattRedacted for designing (and starring in) my new wallpaper! You see that ball? I'm going to knock the shit out of it.
— cubicle2 #2331667496 on June 25, 2009
Without even sending a memo, co-workers have declared it "National Bitch About My Husband Day."
— cubicle2 #2328741053 on June 25, 2009
The office printer is fucked. Suspects: 1) ghosts in the machine 2) illicit affair with the fax machine 3) this hammer on my desk.
— cubicle2 #2326058161 on June 25, 2009
My OCD says: you best go out into that monsoon to make sure your windows are up. Me, to OCD: You should go get fucked by a giant sea turtle.
— cubicle2 #2303535455 on June 23, 2009
I really wish the office douche would stop listening to CCR before he jinxes them and they break up. What's that? Oh. Well fuck.
— cubicle2 #2301051964 on June 23, 2009
@crustyjuggler72 How could I forget those? Today's scapegoat: the fucking heat. The heat hates boobs. Also does nothing to improve poop.
— cubicle2 #2300864414 on June 23, 2009
Fuck me it's hot outside - leaving the car windows down. Yes, any thief willing to go outside can have my Miley Cyrus CD's. It's that bad.
— cubicle2 #2298005173 on June 23, 2009
@Dystonio - so I'm all out of donuts and my wormhole system is wholly fucked. I can however, send you a burro laden with cursed gold.
— cubicle2 #2297546895 on June 23, 2009
In Hemingway novels, characters are perpetually shit-faced but never have to piss. At last bladder, we've found you some role models.
— cubicle2 #2294810140 on June 23, 2009
65 year-old female co-worker weighs in on Jon & Kate: "Well he's an adolescent, and she's a bitch. Sorry." Preach on sister.
— cubicle2 #2294089740 on June 23, 2009
65 year-old female co-worker weighs in on Jon & Kate: "Well he's a adolescent, and she's a bitch. Sorry." Preach on sister.
— cubicle2 #2294081030 on June 23, 2009
Fuck it's hot outside. There is no joke to be found here. Unless my balls melting into a pile of blood and sperm entertains you. #bitter
— cubicle2 #2286485808 on June 22, 2009
I think I was blocked for the first time today - I feel so grown up now. Oh, by the way person, fuck you. You're not ready for this jelly.
— cubicle2 #2240941354 on June 19, 2009
You know what my twitter dashboard needs? More witty fucking comments about green avatars.
— cubicle2 #2239509074 on June 19, 2009
My mother owns a life-sized Dora the Explorer doll. If you have any questions about why I'm fucked up, please direct them to her.
— cubicle2 #2231113678 on June 18, 2009
