My boss is the biggest fucking buffoon in the history of the world.
— DylanJShaffer #5911551015 8 hours ago
If your answer has anything to do with the Bible, go fuck yourself. Christianity is not the only religion in the world, or even this country
— DylanJShaffer #5413292063 2 weeks ago
I don't know but I'm staying far away from it... RT @Smiddywastaken What the fuck is a twitter list?
— DylanJShaffer #5296729756 3 weeks ago
@vinyl_paradise Laurie quit the titty store because Chelcie is a cunt and one of the owners called her a bitch.
— DylanJShaffer #4696223973 on October 7, 2009
This fucking sucks.
— DylanJShaffer #4693124270 on October 7, 2009
Just conquered the zoo with Vanessa. No fucking pandas. Now for something less touristy...the arch!
— DylanJShaffer #4563314526 on October 2, 2009
I'd ask why half the parking at Kmart is handicapped, but there's a more important question... Why the fuck does anyone still shop here?
— DylanJShaffer #4479263239 on September 29, 2009
So does the Twilight chick fuck a different dude in each book? I'm not too familiar with the saga.
— DylanJShaffer #4352999237 on September 24, 2009
I've gotten shit from 2 conservatives for my shirt depicting Obama as a superhero. Because depicting him as Hitler is far more accurate.
— DylanJShaffer #4133404242 on September 20, 2009
Tell me about it! LIBRAS! PFFT! RT @LaaurieDouglas I hate how introverted libras can be. Sometimes all i want is a fucking reaction!
— DylanJShaffer #4110934877 on September 19, 2009
@vinyl_paradise My friend Vanessa is coming and she goes every sunday. I'd feel shitty just dumping her at a church for an hour..haha
— DylanJShaffer #4070837211 on September 17, 2009
Thanks, robot cunt! RT @SavvySally6 @DylanJShaffer don't forget your $500 Wal Mart gift card! I can't believe they're just giving it away...
— DylanJShaffer #4023620809 on September 16, 2009
@smiddywastaken I could save the fucking franchise if given the chance.
— DylanJShaffer #4023210061 on September 16, 2009
When I go into a store at night, I always make myself aware of when they close. If you don't already do this, fucking start.
— DylanJShaffer #3998509863 on September 15, 2009
RT'd by @edgarwright = best late birthday gift of all time. That motherfucker made SPACED.
— DylanJShaffer #3989283746 on September 14, 2009
Just had to basically yell at a guy to get him off my porch. What the fuck is wrong with people?
— DylanJShaffer #3857306351 on September 8, 2009
@ThatKevinSmith You're my hero, and I can't think of a single fucking question for you. Do you like Chipotle burritos?
— DylanJShaffer #3827927692 on September 7, 2009
I've been awake for like 2 hours. It's way too early for this birthday to be so shitty.
— DylanJShaffer #3785907620 on September 5, 2009
New boyfriends make @ohminotaur disappear off the face of the earth. Not cool, bitch. Not cool.
— DylanJShaffer #3725776934 on September 2, 2009
Fuck wasting time at walmart. I just found my long lost copy of Pulp Fiction!!
— DylanJShaffer #3575234242 on August 27, 2009
@vinyl_paradise Ain't shit. Let's hang.
— DylanJShaffer #3375559129 on August 17, 2009
Why do guys who wear tacky anime/dragon shirts always smell like a mountain of shit?
— DylanJShaffer #3295684637 on August 13, 2009
@laauriedouglas Bitch it ain't eva left. It be in our hawrts.
— DylanJShaffer #3242000436 on August 11, 2009
From now on, when someone's voicemail greeting says "i can't come to the phone right now" my message will simply be "no shit."
— DylanJShaffer #3233744853 on August 10, 2009
Fucking Taff is here. Worst customer ever.
— DylanJShaffer #3174252588 on August 6, 2009
Made it home. It was nice having friends and no shitty job for a week.
— DylanJShaffer #3139902926 on August 5, 2009
If I hear "for your dashboard!" one more time, I'm gonna shit a brick. Apologies to all but @laauriedouglas for this tweet making no sense.
— DylanJShaffer #2684279391 on July 17, 2009
And now fucking Cashews is at the grocery store. Awesome.
— DylanJShaffer #2594003399 on July 11, 2009
"The story is, you fuck with him and he'll seal your fate." God I love this movie.
— DylanJShaffer #2581946467 on July 11, 2009
Fuck rationality. Just booked a ticket to California. @ohminotaur, @smiddywastaken, & @bornaunicorn, here I come.
— DylanJShaffer #2573782394 on July 10, 2009
RT @KFUCKINGP In '03 I teamed with Hallmark to create a greeting card that works for every fucking occasion. http://twitpic.com/9v3my
— DylanJShaffer #2564968471 on July 10, 2009
Holy shit..if any of you have been debating getting a BluRay player, Walmart has one for $98 now.
— DylanJShaffer #2564581727 on July 10, 2009
Is there one Little Caesar's employee in the world who isn't a complete fucking imbecile?
— DylanJShaffer #2560744443 on July 9, 2009
@laauriedouglas Shit! I just realized I'm off on Friday...but you should text me when Johnson shows up.
— DylanJShaffer #2547250092 on July 9, 2009
Time to get my bike on like Lance Armstrong. Ain't got no balls 'n shit.
— DylanJShaffer #2546186807 on July 9, 2009
I'm pretty sure this has been the worst summer of my life so far. Come on summer, quit fucking up.
— DylanJShaffer #2542307799 on July 8, 2009
OK, little kid being serviced by an Asian masseuse was funny. Little kid beating off to pictures of his own mother is a little fucked up.
— DylanJShaffer #2529889145 on July 8, 2009
@laauriedouglas Enjoy your fucking cigarettes.
— DylanJShaffer #2508697158 on July 6, 2009
And "You did NOT shoot dat green shit at me!"
— DylanJShaffer #2466110483 on July 4, 2009
@ohminotaur IS YOUR HAIR FINISHED YET??? LET'S SEE THAT SHIT.
— DylanJShaffer #2449515366 on July 3, 2009
I hate twitter sometimes. It makes me a whiny bitch. I'm not complaining about anything right now, but i really want to.
— DylanJShaffer #2448867045 on July 2, 2009
I don't need the attitude when I card you. Just shut the fuck up and show me your ID.
— DylanJShaffer #2396009778 on June 29, 2009
This fucking sucks.
— DylanJShaffer #2355502057 on June 27, 2009
@laauriedouglas needs to come hang out at the store. I'M SO FUCKING BORED.
— DylanJShaffer #2339486743 on June 25, 2009
STOP TELLING ME TO PRAY FOR MICHAEL JACKSON. OK, fuck it. Dear God, please create a special place in heaven for child molesters. Amen.
— DylanJShaffer #2336872407 on June 25, 2009
Dear bosses, thanks for making a task that used to be quick and simple take 5x longer for no fucking reason.
— DylanJShaffer #2332381975 on June 25, 2009
3 different reviews have told me that Transformers 2 includes farting robots, racial stereotype robots, and 2 scenes of dog fucking.
— DylanJShaffer #2307047770 on June 24, 2009
@laauriedouglas No.. But i'm handling it better now..haha. Are you ready for fucking saxophone weekend??
— DylanJShaffer #2236090590 on June 19, 2009
Holy shit that movie was hilarious.
— DylanJShaffer #2187521881 on June 15, 2009
